This Isn’t the Life I Planned — But Here’s What’s Helping

This isn’t the life I pictured — not even close.

My husband died. My son was diagnosed. My world broke open in ways I didn’t see coming. And somehow, in the middle of grief, therapy appointments, chaos, and Amazon orders… I’m still standing.

Not thriving. Not glowing. But standing.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m just sharing what’s real, in case someone else is sitting in the wreckage, wondering what to do next.

Here’s what I’m learning, what I’m trying, and what’s actually helped me get through it — even when it still hurts.

Some days I cry in the car. Some days I clean the house at 2am because it’s the only thing I can control. And some days, I feel strong. And then a song, a smell, or a memory knocks the air out of me.

Grief doesn’t follow rules. It doesn’t care about timelines. It comes in waves, and I’ve stopped trying to swim through it. I float when I can. I rest when I need to. And I’ve learned to stop apologizing for how it looks.

🧩Autism Changed Everything — Including Me

When my son was diagnosed, I had to relearn everything I thought I knew about parenting. It’s not easy. It's loud. It’s beautiful. It’s hard. It’s therapy appointments, waitlists, stim toys, meltdowns, progress, regressions, hope, burnout — all in one day.

But it’s also shown me how strong I am. How adaptable. How much I didn’t know — and how fast I can learn.

I’m not perfect. But I show up. And that counts.

☕What’s Actually Helping Right Now

Here’s a short list of the things getting me through this season — no fluff:

• One small win a day. Some days, that win is “I showered.” Other days it’s “I didn’t completely lose my mind.” I celebrate both.

• Letting go of the ‘old life.’ I still miss it, but I stopped waiting for things to go back. Now I’m building something new.

• Support that’s real, not performative. The people who show up without asking, who listen without fixing — they’re everything.

• Writing it down. Like this. It helps more than I expected.

  
  

🧡 Final Thoughts: If You’re In It Too…

If you’re grieving, breaking, burned out, or holding everything together with caffeine and hope, I see you.

You’re not doing it wrong. You’re not weak for being tired. And you’re allowed to fall apart while still being a good mom.

This space isn’t just for me to process. It’s here for you too. Keep going. I’m with you in the chaos.

If this isn’t the life you planned either…But you're still here, still loving, still showing up—You're already doing something remarkable.

Let’s figure it out together.

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love•grief•&chaos